One month in......reality check.

its sad when theres been no contact in a while cause it is always an indication that i have been lying low, trapping myself underground in a cave, gettin myself into a bad place again. Too be honest its been a tough few weeks, so many factors just all role into one giant snowball of a problem which is helped to role along by small everyday usually-insignificant issues. But on the upside, the fact I'm back means its all turning around :) baby steps....

you always have to get worse before you can get better, you also have to realise once it gets better it may not stay like that forever, youll still have ups and downs. life is no fairytale ending, where one story ends another begins, and sometimes the story can start badly and finish beautifully, or vice versa, either way you'll have happiness.
I came to realise last night that i had been dwelling on the past just a little too much and stressing about the future. i hadnt seen really another way around it until my mind set was changed for me.

Its funny how the past can bring you down so much, it does make you what you are after all, its just a shame sometimes that it gets a hold of you all too well, and instead of learning the lessons you get stuck in the theories. What we should focus on are the good times, no matter how hard it is to find them, find just one, because remembering the goodtimes in the right way when in times of sadness, hopelessness and doubt doesnt make it sad the moment has past but rather happy to remember there were and still are good times to be had. It gives you hope and happiness that maybe some day, or even today you can bring that feeling back, and create new moment of happiness.

One must learn to fill your life with love and hope and make happy moments with those who make you your happiest. Smile from the inside and shine through to the outer...it makes the world seem so much brighter.

I may not have found the answers im lookin for yet. this business is hard, and its always hard to know when you've given it your all and its time to let it go. How much does one put up with too achieve happiness? after a while is it causing more hurt than happiness? im starting to realise that a great analogy for modelling is that its a bad boyfriend. You know the guy that your with thats just bad medicine? The one you have had the best times with, who was your best friend, the one you love so so much and do anything for, but sometimes its just too hard, sometimes your trying too hard with no reward, sometimes your crying over him just too much, sometimes you wonder why love should be that hard? and it shouldnt, and although he was a good thing for you once, he isnt anymore. And the most difficult thing to do will be to leave that minor form of happiness to go to loneliness, because it seems that your trading bad for worse, but you have to have faith that after than aloneness that youll find a bigger brighter happiness than before.
I think modelling is my soon to be ex bf haha, but i just love him too much to let go just yet.

I take a lesson out of the book 'The Secret' im no huge supporter, in fact most of the book is hard to believe, but i take out the lessons, you just have to believe you will get there, visualise your life the way you want it. Don't quiz yourself or beat yourself up over how you will make it there, good things can come your way, you never know who will come knocking at your door and what opportunities that door will open for you. For now i just believe that my life will get better, that things will become clearer, that i'll be the happy positive successful person i see myself to be and if all else fails i had some damn good memories with the people i love along the way to be thankful for.

Today was the start of a new day, and i was still in good vibes from the night before :) i decided not to jinx this good mood and leave the house, because being stuck here 24.7 does in fact trap your mind as well. Thankfully im smart and took my camera, because the day became a day of exploration, it started with just a few snaps of the amazing buildings close by and before i knew it was exploring the entire of singapore and all its beauty. Just gettin out there and discovering new places and new things, opens your mind to new things and you start to discover things about yourself too. It suddenly felt like i was on a holiday, i was enjoying my surroundings and it filled me with good feelings, inspired and reminded from good memories.

When usually my bad negative moods and future uncertainty would have lead me to continue to be negative in this way, clouding my judgements and failing me to see the beauty.
It's so so important to balance the emotional and the physical. Trapped physically in this house in this country was trapping my brain from thinking outside the box too, and i was spending way to much time suffocating in my own thoughts, which just made me slip deeper and deeper into this trap. One effects the other, so if you cant escape mentally escape physically, the other will follow suit.

Overall im so so thankful to those who listen to me, who care for me, who have supported and helped me, as much as i whine and complain about life, because its starting to turn around now. i was always scared the endless depression would just push my loved ones away, i can honestly say if it were the other way around i would have made a run for it, no one likes to be around people like that, thats why im so so thankful for the people i have in my life, your support and love has helped me to turn around, and im still taking baby steps, its not all happiness and sunshine from here, but its finally so good to see some light :) thankyou.
here are some happy snaps from today :

One month in......reality check.

i thought this was hilarious. the menu is basically everything deep fried with chips, hamburgers, and milkshakes, think peters by the sea in scarbs haha.this is the museum...beautiful building.everything around raffles place where i went today just made me feel like i was in an audrey hepburn movie, or in morocco. amazing.oh yeah self timer....im good damn good.this girl was such a sweetie......i felt like a celebrity she wanted a photo with me soo bad, her friends were squealing. ahha
grand prix will be here end of sept!! the sites....including the way more impressive wheel and durian inspired centre haha amazing though.