This is the Sound of Heartbreak.....The Final Letter

A letter I just found that i wrote almost a year ago. Not sure what possesses me to post it....


March '09

I don’t even know how to start, all I know is that after everything I have gone through and still go through, its just not fair that you don’t even know, that you get to continue to live your life happy and free after you completely ruined someone else.

I don’t even know what to tell you, I just wish that you could see and feel every bit of pain in all its intensity that I feel, that you could have hurt and cried as much as I have. It was so easy for you, you didn’t even actually break up with me, you just told me over skype that you ‘didn’t care about me anymore, and you see me as just a friend’ and I was just supposed to accept that and move on, you got to hang up the phone and continue your happy life, with the comfort of your new friends, in your new life, with new girls and new places to explore, new places to hangout without me bothering you with painful guilty emails. I wish I had had the chance to completely rebuild my life. Instead I was left here, alone, to just get over you, to realise I would never see you again for the rest of my WHOLE life, to realise that the moment I kissed you in kl airport was the last time forever. That I would never hear your voice, see your face, hold you, care for you, kiss you or tell you ‘eu te amo’ ever again, or get the chance to speak Portuguese which I had learnt for you! I had to wrap my head around the fact we weren’t going to Milan, back to brazil, around the world, I was left here with no future but my future was supposed to be with you. Not to mention that I was going through MASSIVE family issues when I got home and you were the ONE person who kept me sane who kept me happy. And how embarrassing for me it was that I had to tell everyone that it was over, of course nobody cared cause nobody knew you, it was like you never existed and I had to move on alone, I had no one here who understood me. Worst of all I was left here knowing that you lied, that hurt the most. What happened to the Caio that I met that day in rainforest bar, the one who chased me, who asked me to be with him, who convinced me he would be a better lover than my boyfriend, who I left my boyfriend for? Who cried that night before Erman’s birthday, on Lot 10 rooftop, crying how unfair it was that we couldn’t be together. The Caio who convinced me to leave my life behind, to leave my boyfriend behind, to spend my only money, to leave the country, to change my life forever because he made me believe that we had something amazing. That it wasn’t just a fling, that once we had met each other we couldn’t be without each other. What happened to him?
If you remember all that time back, I was the one that didn’t want to, I was the one that said it was stupid, that all we had to do was make it through 10days and we never have to see each other again, we never have to go through a relationship and heartbreak, that you were lusting after me, you were not in love me. I asked you how it could possibly work! We come from different countries, we have different lives! I couldn’t see it, and it wasn’t that I didn’t love you, it was that I knew, I knew when I first met you, that I was so in love with you, I knew it would kill me, and I wasn’t prepared to let this feeling into my heart until you proved to me that you loved me just as much. And you did. What kind of man tells a woman that he has only just met that he cant live without her, that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life wondering what would have happened between us, that we can make it work, just because we come from different countries doesn’t mean anything, we can travel together, around the world, we can visit both our homes and eventually choose somewhere to settle down. You asked me to be with you. You were the one that believed.

What happened to that? How did you suddenly turn into the boy that didn’t care? That didn’t want to be the one to protect me and to love me, and to cheer me up when I was sad, to support me in my triumphs. That suddenly didn’t see how it could ‘work’ even though you were the one that cried and grovelled in the first place to make me believe it. Its like once you convinced me to be with you ,you had won, like it was some kind of competition to win my heart, you stole me away from my boyfriend, you won, now what? There was no interest from you after that. The problem with you Brazilian guys, are you are fantastic friends, but your culture raises you to be romantics, you know exactly how to win a girls heart, how to woo her, how to promise her the world, make her believe you are the only one for her and that you will treat her like the goddess she is, problem is once your with her you don’t know how to be in love. You’ve won her, she’s forever yours, she devotes her life to you because she believes that you have done that for her, but you don’t know how to love her. All you know how is how to win her, so you leave her for the next girl to chase.

This was not a fling for me, this wasn’t some holiday romance that I got caught up in, I was truly in love with you because I know what love feels like. I ignored you at first, because I was too scared to love you, I already had love back home, I had someone back at home that I was ready to marry and spend my life with, and you changed that for me. You made that feeling all disappear. Do you realise how strong that is? Do you realise the reality of that? I was leaving, forever, a guy that I was going to MARRY for you - and this didn’t make you realise at the time how seriously in love with you I was? That if you had made a mistake, if there was any doubt in your mind about your feelings towards me, you should have stopped then. But you continued. Why? Why did you? If you did love me, then where did that go? If not, well you’re an arsehole.

That has been one of the biggest question for me, I thought about all the things I’m mad at you for, all the memories to me that seem fake now, did you mean it when you said I love you? When you called me your huni? When you missed me? When you were excited to see me? When you told me how happy you were every time I followed you to the next country? How you were ‘so happy’ that we did this? How you cried at the airport when I left? That you messaged me just to tell me how much you missed me, that you loved me, and that I was ‘your angel’. Up until the night before you left me, you told me you loved me, you wished me goodnight, that we would talk tomorrow. What happened in the 14hrs that went by that you decided that you could live without me for the rest of your life. After everything I sacrificed and we did to be with each other you just left it behind? Just because you were having fun in Hong Kong and you didn’t miss me doesn’t mean that’s a reason your over me. It was a good thing, that you were having fun, just a week before you were miserable. And only 2 weeks before I was with you, we had fun together, we had missed each other so much it was so amazing to be together again. How could you forget that? How could you start doubting we could make it work? I told you I would come with you, and you could have come to see me. You only had to wait one more month, and then we would have spent the year together.

I had to write you this, I couldn’t let you get away with living such a happy life-the life we were supposed to have together- when I have been so miserable. That you got to face a great new day each morning when you woke up, while I was lying in my bed each morning after crying myself to sleep, waking to realise im still without you, you didn’t want me anymore, I wasted my time with you, how could you not love me? I spent my whole time with you caring for you, loving you, making sure you were always happy-you took me for granted enjoyed my company and then left my life. I cried from morning to night everyday, I lived in my bedroom I didn’t go out for anyone, I didn’t eat or drink, I lost 10kg, I had the most horrible nightmares, I had nothing to live for, I felt like I might die. Everyday I have to face getting over you in a different way, whether it be someone asking how I am and I break into tears, or lie. Someone asks me how my trip was, which was now a waste of time and tainted memories because of you. I can’t look at photos of you because I see your photo it makes me shudder, from head to toe I am overcome with this sick feeling and I literally have to get out of my chair and walk away, coz I cant believe someone I loved caused me so much pain.

It is only now that im coming into the clear, that I know I can live this life without you, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted too. Unfortunately, you are still on my mind everyday. There is no day where I don’t still think about you. Where I don’t ask myself a question. -if I had gone with you to Hong Kong would things have been different? How could you just stop loving me after all the beautiful loving moments I remember that we shared? The list goes on and on. Any photo, or smell, or action triggers a memory and I just break into tears. And even some days where I am in the best mood, a memory of the theme park when you feed me fairy-floss, or when we were lying on our bed playing with egg-legs, or the first night I got there and we went out to Koi, and you didn’t let go of me and you didn’t stop smiling at me or showering me with kisses, creeps into my mind- and I just cant understand where that love went. And Most of all, out of everything, after how much you knew what ‘love’ meant to me, I still gave my body to you. I don’t have sex with just anyone and you knew that. I only give my body to people I am truly in love with, the last and only person being my ex-boyfriend who I left for you. It makes me sick now but also so sad that I loved you that much. Sex to me is an extension of love, it the closest most beautiful thing two people who TRULY love each other can share, and I gave that to you, my biggest expression of love, my biggest declaration, my promise to you, that you can always believe in me to love you, care for you, cheer you up, support you, to trust in. And I did keep that promise, I kept it when the agency treated you like shit and I defended you, I kept it when I looked after you when you were sick, when I had to look at my most treasured man lying in that hospital bed, when I was proud of you when you got a big job, how I supported and encouraged you in your decisions between taking jobs, with your family issues, with issues with clients. I was always there to be that person you could turn to. But you insulted my gift to you, you threw away something so precious. I can guarantee there is no one in this world that can love you and spend their life devoted to you like I was.

Im just so disappointed in you.

I thought we connected, I was a good person, a good friend and a great girlfriend, I thought we understood each other, I thought that you would continue to love me the way you were in love with me when we first met. I never thought you would lie, or make me cry, or just leave me. I never thought I would see a day where I would look back and ‘remember you’ like you were a distant memory. I’m still in love with the Caio I first met, I miss him everyday. But I dislike you so much. How could you be such a horrible person, how could you play with a girls heart that way? Especially a girl who already had someone in her life, a girl with was actually in LOVE with you- you picked the wrong girl to fuck around with. It still makes me sick to see your photo, you have ruined my memories of overseas. That was supposed to be the start of a new life for me, and it ended so quickly. Most of all, I taught you to trust in women, to trust me, I was the one who believed in trusting people and you had a hard time trusting in me after your experience with your ex, now after what you have done to me, how do I trust and believe that a boy ever means ‘I love you’ again when he says it to me? You have taken that away from me.

I’m sure you tried to find lots of reasons to make it ok for yourself. Trying to convince yourself that you were doing the right thing, that it was better this way, that you didn’t want to ‘hurt me more’ by pretending, that I looked ‘happy’ in photos with my friends, so I must be ok. So that you can stop feeling guilty and move on with your life. That you are a nice person because you still have friends. But which ever way you put it, truth is your still an arsehole, who did a horrible thing to someone for the lamest, cruellest reasons.

You said to me once, that one thing you could thank your father for, was that he taught you what kind of a father not to be. I think we really connected that day because we have the same arsehole father type. I was so proud to think you would make an amazing father one day and I just filled with this amazing emotion of love for you because you had said one of the most beautiful things that meant a lot to me. One thing you also learnt from your father was how to disrespect and hurt women they once loved. I never thought you would turn out to be the same, the same type of guy I thought we both hated.

I used to idolise you and adore you, every second I was with you I had the best time of my life, and I thought to myself constantly how lucky I was to have someone as amazingly beautiful as you, there is honestly no one in the world I have felt that way about except for you. Now I feel like I don’t even know you, you are ugly to me in everyway inside and out, it makes me sick in my stomach to look at you, you have a black heart, you live for yourself and yourself only and I pray to god I am the last girl in this world that has their heart destroyed by you.
Do every girl in the world this favour, never EVER date any other girl again and cause them heartache unless when you meet them you feel this unexplainable feeling of a new level of happiness, when you look at her your breath is taken away by her beauty, you don’t know why but you want to be with them all the time, just to hold her in your arms is all the love you could ever ask for, you know with every part of your body and deep in your heart that you will protect her. You will never let another hurt her and you would die for her. When you are truly in love with this girl and you respect her like you didn’t think you ever could for anyone else, that’s when you know your in love and when you deserve to take a chance on her. And when you do find this girl, and you feel you want to be with her forever, to treasure her and love her - think of me. Think of the pain you would feel if you ever lost her and had to continue life alone. Think of what you put me through.

I was right the first time when I said to you, you will never be my huni and the memories we had together mean nothing to me.
Believe me there are so many things I could say to you and ask you, I have written pages and pages and pages, so don’t think that this letter summarises everything. It is only the tiniest taste of everything I think and feel towards you. But there is no point.

I can’t believe that this is it forever. My last goodbye. So many thoughts run through my head, so many happy memories that I miss, there are so things I think I should have said, at the end of the day nothing stops these tears, and I have no interest in ever talking to you again. So goodbye for life Caio. May karma come back and hit you in full swing.